omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
