i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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