i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
