...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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