My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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