and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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