i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
