My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
