Dude my mom stole all your condoms
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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