Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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