there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
