wanna go halves on a baby?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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