its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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