Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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