why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
