Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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