we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
