I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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