one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Less talking, more tequila
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
