my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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