i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
