I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
