Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
