Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
