I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
