Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
