false alarm. still invincible.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
