Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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