Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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