Umm I'm too high to move.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
