at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
