The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
did i just pee glitter
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
