i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
