So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
