I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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