If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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