I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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