I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
50% drunk capacity currently
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
