Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
