are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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