If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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