If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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