I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
