u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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