We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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