Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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