He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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