On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
