Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
