i think my tv is drunk
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
