if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
