i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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